I think in North America we are so committed to comfort that we often miss the realities of life. My friend Jeff recently posted this on his facebook page “We need to stop hiding in comfort and actually make some changes” : and it got me to thinking…
I have been so utterly aware of my size every moment I’ve been here. This culture is not made for large people!
It started on the planes, and then the train, and now here in Ternopol it’s the busses, upon which I am acutely aware that I am often taking up more than my share of space at any given time. This is an odd feeling for me because I am able to forget all about these things in Canada as our level of convenience has made it possible for me to “hide in the comfort” and not face a reality.
Here’s how I operate: When giving my friends advise about a problem (lets say drugs or alcohol) I always ask them to evaluate how their problem/issue/addiction affects their ability to live their life to the fullest – does the problem get in the way of life/experiences. If the answer is yes then my next question would be whether that is ok with them if they say yes I don’t believe them, and if they say no then they are ready to make the changes necessary!
And here’s my current reality… This is a physically mobile place. People walk everywhere there’s stairs (CRAZY uneven, falling apart, slanted scary stairs) everywhere, people don’t drive cars, or take taxis the walk. For instance, we went to the Village a couple weeks ago. The bus dropped us off and it was 37 degrees out with 80% humidity. We had to walk 5 kilometers to get to our relatives house! 5 km is a long walk for most Canadians, let alone someone who takes advantage of convenience at every opportunity. I definitely thought to myself - as I was dragging my feet and exhausted after the first kilometer – that I wouldn’t be coming back to the village 
because the walk was killer. Then I got to the family farm and fell in love and also had a stark realization: my problem (weight and out of shape-ness) is affecting my ability to life my life to its full potential!!! I asked myself if I was ok with that and the answer was a resounding no. This weekend we visited Кам’янець-Подільський (Kamianets-Podilskyi) and Хотин (Hotin). In Хотин there is a fortress on the river bank. It’s a steep, rocky, uneven climb down to the bottom of the forty foot fortress. As we were descending our guides kept asking me if I was ok and I finally got frustrated and said (said is
putting it nicely) “just cause I’m fat doesn’t make me incapable”. We went down and looked around (amazing!) and then we started the ascent. I think I nearly died – like really nearly died. I could tell you that I am just getting over a bout of bronchitis and that was why I was panting and sputtering. I could also tell you that it’s because I’m an asthmatic smoker, and that’s why the climb was so challenging. I could cite the fact that we did this climb in 40 degree weather in the blazing sun of high noon with humidity so thick you could cut through it, but I’ll tell you what I told myself – holy FUCK Denise are you out of shape! In fairness it was a challenging climb and the other students were pretty beat by the time they got up but their lives didn’t flash before their eyes. 
Next we did a 30 min drive to Кам’янець-Подільський to visit the castle. Over the course of the drive my heart beat returned to normal, I stopped panting, drank some water and thought I was fine. The castle was incredible, I could have spent hours taking photos and taking in all that it had to offer but what actually happened is that I felt dizzy got goose bumps, started to shiver and felt like it was forty below zero outside – my first experience of heat shock! I had to sit most of the castle out. As I looked at the pictures afterwards I realized how sad I was that I missed out on exploring something so wonderful and interesting (I was going to say breathtaking, but that would be a terrible play on words hahaha) because of an issue I have chosen to ignore for way way WAY to long. The other thing I noticed is that I have gone through and deleted as many pictures of myself as possible because I “ruin” the shot (almost without realizing my systematic personal cleansing) What really got me, and the reason why I’m telling all this to you, was the feeling of utter embarrassment. I don’t think I have ever experienced this feeling before. At home I am able to live my life and get what I need done without a second thought towards my weight or size. I realized how embarrassing it is to have five people waiting at the top of a hill for you, or having to back out of something because your problem restricts you from being capable of being included. Never before have I been embarrassed about who I am – and this was a very challenging experience (infact: I’d rather climb that hill repeatedly for eternity than ever have to experience this state again).
What I’m not going to do is queue the fad diet. In fact I’m not really sure how I will deal with this but I know that it is in my mind and I know that it is important to me now – where it never has been before. I also know that it has made me committed to not being a comfortable/lazy North American and now instead of dragging my feet I take my daily four flights of stairs with gusto.
I think that I have been forced to come out of hiding in my comfort, and this means that I will make some changes! (and stop deleting myself out of photographs)
*love*
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