I sing better as a chorister, rather than a soloist. I'm much better at crazy-eights than I am at solitaire. Tennis is WAY better than wall ball. I don't own an ipod, but I attend tons of concerts. I enjoy reading... the same books as my friends. When I talk to myself, I also answer. I talk on the phone while I pee... I am a social creature that feeds off the energy of others. I've explained that I am an extrovert, but I think it goes beyond just that - I am a community seeker, and a community creator: I can not function without community; My strengths as a student, as a professional, as a human being, shrivel up and die if I feel isolated, alienated and alone. One of my mottoes has always been "I can do ANYTHING, if you're standing next to me"
I was originally opposed to the idea of going to the Ukraine. Then Tina was offered the same placement and I was convinced: I could do anything as long as she was there with me. the prospect of traveling with Tina was multi faceted: Tina is in the same program as I am in (Sexuality Marriage and Family), with similar interests (Social Development Studies), she is a Beyond Borders classmate so we share the time and space process, she is my academic colleague, she has been my business partner all the way through Cookies with a Cause, a great baking partner, but most importantly, I wouldn't hesitate to call Tina one of my Best friends. As such, it was a cheap sales trick using our friendship to sell me on the Ukraine: I could have been offered a one way ticket into a tribe of starving cannibals, and the deal would have been sweeter with her there with me - *erm* not that I'd want you to get eaten or anything, I'm just saying... (this song just popped into my head - mainly verse 2[WWIII] and 3[Grandcentral station] ). But it worked, Tina and I were going to the Ukraine!
One of the strengths of our friendship is our ability to have blunt, open and honest conversations. On one of these occasions we got to talking about the trip and some of our mixed feelings about it. In our open and honest fashion, it came out that this may not be the best time for Tina to be traveling (this belongs to Tina; see her blog for her latest posting…). Things came unraveled pretty quickly – within 24 hours Tina’s decision was made and I’ve once again been caught in the Beyond Borders cyclone: in May, I will be traveling to the Ukraine alone…
Wwwwwwwwait, wait a second, alone? Like by myself? No one else is going to be with me? no… no, impossible… But strength in numbers….. right?
really? seriously? But… I… umm…
Once again I thought I had it all figured out, and have to reassess and begin the process again.
I am a bit of a fatalist. I believe that there are no such things as mistakes. There’s a lyric from a song call “fortuosity” from the 1967 film “The Happiest Millionaire” and the Lyric goes “sometimes castles fall to the ground, that’s where four leaf clovers are found”. From this seemingly unfortunate event emerges the four leaf clover; a wonderful learning opportunity: From this experience I will be forced to learn the strength in numbers; not just any number, but the strength of a specific number: the number One
I can feign optimism as much as I’d like, the fact still remains (huge and glaring in fact) I’m scared. Halfway across the world, away from my community: no choir and I’m stuck with solitaire, wall ball and an ipod. I can’t even create community because no body will understand me (my one small blessing is no squat toilettes)! January 14 I talked about fear, and finally overcoming my fear of the Ukraine. My fear and terror is back – with a vengeance. I’m ok, and I’m dealing, for now. The test will be when I get on the plane and go. I’m glad that I am reflecting on this fear now, because I am really interested to look back at this during my trip and afterwards to see how I dealt with something so unbelievably foreign to me….
Wanna come to the Ukraine with me?!?!?! puh… puh… puh… Pllllease?!?!
*love*
I am so shocked by the news I don't even know what to say! I am sure that you will do fine in Ukraine by yourself though! You can still get that much needed community from your placement, it sounds like an amazing place to go. And think of how good you will be at speaking Ukrainian when you get back! Having to rely on it means that you'll come back bilingual in no time!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the vote of confidence doll!! still scared shitless...
ReplyDeleteI can see this starting out scary, for sure, as I think back to the conversations you and I had about finding a paired placement over the summer. But I can definitely see the four leaf clover side to this, as well, I think it's great that you're perceiving the twist as a challenge and not a hurdle. Obviously, you know I think you're pretty awesome, lol, and wonderfully capable. I will be supporting you from far, far away and looking forward to seeing how you navigate flying solo. Who knows? Maybe there are some other crazy eights players waiting to be found in the Ukraine.
ReplyDeleteAlso-I loved your intro :)
Side note: I hope T and I are the last flies to drop this term... though obviously we didn't make our decisions lightly. I'm so excited for everyone who is getting geared to go right now!
Denise, I can't really imagine what it must be like to have to change gears like that. I must admit that I feel a great deal of comfort in the fact that I have a bit of a crutch to lean on while I am in Nairobi (ie. Nev). That being said, I can also see the bright side of going alone. I feel as though you are going to be able to experience the Ukraine in a completely different way now, and will be forced to immerse yourself in all that your placement has to offer. I wouldn't worry too much about the support network thing either - you are actually the most outgoing person I have ever met (hands down), and I am sure that you will find your way just fine. :)
ReplyDeleteDenise, I am so proud of you and your strength. Through all of this you always gave me the space to figure out what I needed to, never making me feel rushed or guilty, despite your own anxieties about the possibility of you having to go it alone. Back in the beginning of all this when I learned that you would prefer to go with away with someone else, I was shocked. You've always struck me as an independent, self-reliant woman. Regardless of what you say about wanting and craving community, I still believe that you have great strength in those qualities. You are going to succeed beyond your own expectations because that is what you do. If Cookies with a Cause isn't a prefect example of your dedication and determination, I'm not sure what is. I am saddened by the fact that I won't get to be a part of that experience, because I know we would have been the difference for those girls, but I have absolutely NO doubt that you are going to bring such life and joy to those girls and women, and their lives will never be the same after knowing you.
ReplyDeleteI love you, and I am so proud that I had the honour of going through this experience with you. I feel like I will be there in Ternopil with you, and I will definitely take you with me wherever I go. <3
Denise,
ReplyDeleteI have always seen you as a person with incredible independence and a strong character. Of course, with a strong connection to the community and your group of friends. I remember during the first few classes, you said that the most valuable aspect in your life is your "network of people." I agreed, on my own behalf.
I think the friendship you and Tina have is evident and shows a great amount of love, and I am confident you will miss her and want to share some of the moments of this experience with her. However, I also have a note of agreement with Cathleen, going through this alone will not just give you a different perspective on your placement, but give you a different perspective of you. What may be more challenging then facing a placement you did not anticipate to be heading towards, is facing your worst enemy: solitude.
I think your determination will shine through and you will complete your placement, leaving an incredible joy to the people's lives you have touched AND the strength to stand alone.
Your bravery to out-front admit this "little" fear, is outstanding - and you've half way won the battle thereby!
Nev
As our BB family's only other decided extrovert and as a small town community girl I have to admit I'm in the same boat. I have said it time and again - I know I will be fine as soon as I have found a new community. No matter what else happens while I am away it will all be okay as long as I have someone there I can rant to, cry on, and laugh with.
ReplyDeleteYes, you are going to be uncomfortable, its invevitable, but you are such a determined girl and i know you can hold your own.
And don't forget that the people you will be working and living with are there to help you too! They won't throw you out there on your own and you can lean on them for support until you find a community of your own.
Being as outgoing as i know you are, im sure you will have befriended the entire place by day 2!
xox
Jenn