Acceptance, and Excitement, gained through Reflection

In my last post I told you about my Ukraine placement, and ended by telling you how excited I am for the challenge. This excitement did not come quickly, or easily. I alluded to this in the previous post:
On November 16, I received an e-mail with a placement suggestion: The Ukraine to work in an orphanage/group home for girls and women with mental and physical disabilities. I hated the idea: not only was I vehemently opposed to traveling to the Ukraine, I was also not particularly keen on working in a mental health forum. It took two and a half weeks for me to sit with the idea, and tentatively decide that I would give it a shot.

It has taken me nearly two months to tease apart why I was so adverse to the idea of this particular placement. The epiphany came from my first introduction to my volunteer position at Lucy McCormack - a secondary school in Toronto for students with varying abilities.

Let me tell you a little bit about my first day… I arrived and was greeted (perhaps welcomed is a better word) by staff and students alike. The school administrator remembered who I was, and the school principal, Sheena, was excited to see me again. After completing the announcements – including and Elvis tribute (it was his 75th birthday that day), Sheena put everything on hold to take me on a tour of the school, and acquaint me with daily life at Lucy McCormack. We walked around the small building for well over an hour. I was introduced to their various programs: horticulture, library learning, shop class, life skills cooking, health hustle, Snuselyn therapy, and art. Sheena took great care in introducing me to the differences of life inside the school and how it compares to life outside the school. We talked about the challenges of being able-bodied and how this can hinder our ability to understand the processes of differently-abled people. I was able to meet and interact with some of the students, but also unabashedly observe the interactions between students and adults (I say adults because there are many different types of people working at Lucky McCormak: teachers, educational assistants, occupational therapists, nurses, physiotherapists, personal support workers, child and youth workers, social workers etc) at the school.

During my visit, and during my reflection period after, I was struck, and overwhelmed with the positivity, compassion and love that emanated from the environment and the people at the school. This feeling, as well as the cooking program, and art program intensified my excitement for my placement! I really felt like “I can do this!” It was this statement of competency sparked the epiphany, and the understanding of my initial hostility.

It is a rare occurrence for me to talk about my fears. I’m going to – get ready. Embarking on an experience like Beyond Borders necessitates an acceptance that things will be uncomfortable, and different. Going into a new job placement is scary enough, but is exacerbated when you add the variables of different language, different culture, different customs and brand new skill set into the mix. I had my heart set on doing AIDS relief work in Africa at the outset of the program. I had thought about, talked about and reflected on the challenges that that type of experience would bring, and I was ready. I was ready for the heat, and the bugs, and the food, and the culture, and all other things I could prepare myself for. I told people that was what I was going to be doing, and had an arsenal of answers for anyone who asked why I wanted to do such a thing. Then, on November 16 my world was turned upside down by the Ukrainian placement suggestion. What I used to call opposition, I now know better as fear, perhaps even terror.

Much of my fear (in all aspects of my life) stems from feeling incompetent and losing control. This was no different. I hadn’t prepared myself for the challenges of the Ukraine: I didn’t know the language, I knew very little about the culture, people or climate, I couldn’t even find it on a map if you asked me to – PANIC! And on top of those issues, I was going to work with people with disabilities? Me? I don’t know how to do that. I’ve never done that before! I was terrified that I wasn’t going to be able to make a difference, and was going to fail at this experience that I was so looking forward to. I went through a process of questioning whether I would actually gain from this type of placement, and debated the prospect of dropping out of the program because the placement was not going to fit with my outcome goals. Furthermore I was angry. I was angry that the program organizers paid no attention to what I had said I wanted – how could they!

I am glad that am able to give a proper name to my initial hostility: Terror, and through doing so have been able to fully accept the exhilaration of what is to come. It took a little while to acquaint myself with the potential challenges of a Ukrainian placement. As I got more comfortable with the challenges, I became more comfortable with accepting the placement. Now that I have identified competency, I am overjoyed with the placement. I look forward to spending more time at Lucy McCormak, and seeing what doors it opens for me along this journey.

*love*