Joanne... you promised!

Joanne promised that I didn't have to worry about squat toilettes here in Ukraine... she wasn’t totally honest in this promise, and I was also lead to believe that squat toilettes are the worst a toilette can get…

(please excuse the graphic details of this post, it’s NOT for the feint at heart… you have been formally warned)

Larissa (my language professor) claimed the toilettes we the shame of Ukrainian culture. This is more true than you can ever know. Finding a reliable toilettes is a challenge at the best of times here.

So first I’ll deal with squats – there ARE squat toilettes here – and specifically there are squat toilettes (and only squat toilettes) at the university. Squat toilettes here are vile places and one gets the impression that Ukrainians don’t have very good aim, and no one is paid to clean. There are also squats in public places, like publically funded toilettes. This seems to be an older thing and more modern places have toilettes. I am going to chalk this up to former Soviet frugality, and call it one of the deep festering wounds that the Soviets left on Ukrainian culture.

On to other toilettes. The toilettes in bars and restaurants vary from decent to disgusting. There is one bar we frequent that has wonderful toilette facilities during the day, but then after 7pm they seem to deteriorate into oblivion. The only light source is a red bulb which only adds to the griminess of the place. I walked in to this particular toilettes one night dancing with urgency, took a look around, and walked out cool as a cucumber – my bodily functions were silenced by revolt!

And there are places with no toilettes at all… we ran into a man on the weekend who was building a tourist bar in the Carpathian region and for cost cutting purposes had decided not to install a bathroom. Our driver told him that he was the “shame of Ukraine” and that he would never bring tourists to his establishment for making such a terrible decision. This is not an isolated incident. Many establishment owners will cut out the cost of installing a bathroom because it is not their issue if patrons don’t go before they leave the house.

And speaking of houses – the toilette at home (my home stay home) is better, but not by much! I remember getting here the first night – not having peed in over 24 hours (yes this is a long time, and I’ll explain in a minute) and was asked if I wanted to sleep or washroom first – I chose washroom – I went in and closed the door; I was really confused that there was a sink, a tub, a laundry machine, a clothes drying rack, some shelves…. But no toilettes! To tell you the truth, I panicked a little bit. So I opened the door, and in English asked for a toilettes – it was the next room over beside the dining table. It really is what the French refer to as a “water closet” it is tiny little closet space and JUST a toilette! That first time I used it I banged my head on the door knob getting up, I fell backwards back onto the toilette seat and made so much noise navigating pulling my pants back up that they knocked to make sure I was ok!! I have since gotten used to the little toilette closet, the proximity to the dining area, and the inconsistent supply of toilettes paper, but I am really having trouble adjusting to the lack of sink in the toilettes room.

A couple years ago I went in for a uterine ultrasound and of course they made me drink a whole bunch of water before bed and prohibited me from peeing in the morning. I did what I was told and raced to the clinic in the morning to get everything over with. I will never forget the tech who did my ultrasound she was very shocked she said “oh my goodness! Look at how big it is, oh my goodness, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bladder that large, and MY you’re full!! Wow! You are really really full!” after her fawning over my bladder for 3 full minutes I politely asked if we could move on with the ultrasound and reminded her about how “full” I was. In Canada I take full advantage of my large bladed because I have a phobia of public washrooms (no it’s not the germs, it’s the pedophiles, but that’s a long story I’m NOT going into) so I am able to hold my pee for long enough (usually, unless I sneeze, and that too is another story for another day) that I can get through even my longest of days and only have to use the toilette at home. I am generally good for 14-16 hours before I HAVE to use a toilette. Here in Ukraine my abnormally large bladder comes in handy while navigating the different toilette situations one might find themselves in here and generally if I plan it right I only have to use the toilettes at home and can skip the Ukrainian public washroom experience!!

(I’m gonna get more graphic here…)

Why am I telling you all about toilettes… I am debating NOT going into the Internat tomorrow for fear of lack of reliable toilette facilities. This weekend marked the end of a menstrual cycle, and I’m not sure why but it is a particularly abnormal cycle in which I am bleeding like the jugular of a stuck cow in an African Maasai Blood Ritual (yes I am taking multi vitamins with iron…) and have no choice but to be close to a toilette at all times or risk… well, you know, it’s risky I don’t have to go into stained chair stories or other graphic details. I realized this weekend while touring around the Carpathian Mountains that the need to use a bathroom more frequently than every 12 hours becomes a real problem here.

As I said some of the lack of reliable facilities stems from the frugality of the former Soviet lifestyle both in terms of paying for facilities and the expenses that are associated with maintenance: water, cleaning, repair. This frugality has survived both in the infrastructure (public toilettes) as well as in the minds and practices of people who lived in that culture for so long (like the Carpathian bar owner). If you ask Ukrainians about their toilettes, you can tell that it is a point of shame for them especially when talking to a foreigner. I think both for hygienic reasons, and as an issue of national pride something should be done about the toilettes here!!

Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more….

Now I must leave you to go to the toilette… I’ve bl… erm business to attend to *cough*

*Love*