I have been toying with the idea and joking about the idea of staying for quite some time, but today it really hit me that I really really really really really do NOT want to come home - wait, it's not about coming home, it's about leaving here.
There are a couple things at play here:
1)I really like it here. I love my family, I love the way of life the simplicity of it all. I enjoy my routine and I look forward to things that are upcoming with the family and the girls at the Internat. I cant imagine missing Rosa's birthday in November, or Christmas with the family.
3) I love life here. Never have I felt so at home, so comfortable, so right. I have felt this sense of belonging since the moment I got off the plane.
4) I don't really miss home. Of course I miss the people that I associate with home (Felix, friends, you etc) but there's nothing about being in Canada that I am truly home sick for.
5) Totally enjoying the stress free life! I know that this idea that I can live without stress won't last for too long (the cookie orders have already started to come through) but now that I have had a taste of calm living I don't know if I can get my engines revving again.
6) I am terrible at leaving stuff behind. I get very attached to things, and here I am attached to a home, a family, a job, a new language, a new culture... I will be leaving behind 4+ months worth of incredible moments that have had such an impact on me.
The most important factor
7) I don't feel like I am "finished" here. I came here to affect change and I don't think that I have achieved that yet. Sure I have had a wonderful summer with the girls, but I feel like much of what I"ve done here is superficial. I have not affected the structure of the institution, I have not changed life for them, I don't even think I have taught them anything lasting or moreover worthwhile. If I left tomorrow (the thought of that makes me queasy) I would feel like the whole experience was in vain and that I didn't fulfil any of the things that I came here to do.
7a) this has a second piece to it. There is a woman at the Internat that has been working there with the children since the day the last brick was laid on the building - nearly 40 years. She is a teacher, a mentor and almost a mother to the girls. She has always fought for their interests regardless of the politics of the institution. Buuuut after 40 years of working, she is just about ready to retire. Most of you should know where my mind went next - hey! I could totally do her job.
What happens now? I don't know. I'm kinda torn up about this and I don't know what to do next. when I talk to my family here about it they say "stay, we have the space and we'll find you a job" that doesn't help. I need an unbiased opinion.
This is me....
please help!
*love*
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