Tonight has been one of the best Friday nights I’ve had in a long time!! Was wonderful (later edit: the whole weekend was absolutely incredible for all the same reasons that Friday was amazing). I came home from school and learned how to make varenkey (pirogies) with Tanya and Luba (mama)
and met Slava (Tanya’s brother). We had dinner and talked (well did our best in broken English broken Ukrainian, and some VERY proficient charades) about Ukraine, School , politics, Canada and life. After that we watched TV together as a FAMILY.
(later edit: we spent the rest of the weekend making varenkey (pirogies) and Ukrainian cookies, going grocery shopping and just spending good QUALITY time together…)I would imagine that most people feel pretty homesick the first week of their travels – wishing they were home with friends and their own family– for me, this is the most “at home” I’ve felt in a LONG time. Although I do not watch TV at home (in Canada) I did so here with the family, and although I couldn’t understand a word of what was going on it was so nice to exist in time and space with other people without hostility or anxiety or stress. Tonight I experienced family in a way that is foreign to me.
I’m sometimes tortured with a life long battle with my family. I tend to leave my family (and our battles) out of most conversations because it is a mess and not really a great topic of “polite conversation. This battle definitely plays a role in why I’m here (in Ukraine). My battle with “family” has been highlighted for me and at the forefront of my mind since the day I left Toronto. I don’t really have a clear idea of the definition of family. My idea of family, and my family values are Stepford-esque in that I seek perfection on the outside but know that beneath that façade there are strange and perverse things happening.
Tanya, and the family, have asked about MY family quite a bit over the last couple days - names, pictures etc. They asked if my mother cried when I left and if she’s going to miss me – the truth is my mother didn’t believe that I had enough conviction to follow through on leaving for Ukraine. Tanya keeps asking if I am going to call my mother and father – nope. My mother and I haven’t spoken since Christmas – that’s shitty, really shitty. In my mind, mothers play the role of (almost) human diary to their adult females – I lament that I do not have this type of relationship with my mother. This is an experience I’d love to share with someone like that. Sometimes I feel like the only family that does or will exist for me is the one I build from the ground up in my own life (friends, Felix, perhaps children…) as I generally feel so isolated from my own family. Sometimes I wonder if I work so hard to prove to them (especially mom) that I am not a fuck-up, and that I’m worthy of being treated with respect and dignity. This family that has adopted me for 4.5 months has already validated me, and made me feel more welcome and at home than I think I have ever felt.
It is strange for me to be in a family environment where 3 (now 7) days have passed and there hasn’t been an angry word exchanged yet – I get the feeling that the whole 135 days will go by and I will never experience negative interactions. What an experience. Not in my wildest expectations did I ever conjure up such experiences. I was really committed to coming here to focus on the lives of the girls at the Internat; I haven’t even gotten there and already I feel like a totally different person.
I am so thankful that I have been trained to reflect both inwardly and outwardly on myself, the world around me and my experiences (you know who you are). Tracking these experiences and, logging these insights is incredibly pertinent to my learning and growth curve.
The orphan Annie sings a song after being “lent out” to Daddy Warbucks – “I think I’m gonna like it here” (click to see video) – this is how I feel. It’s so nice to finally feel like I belong.
*love*
Denise!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to hear you've made it safely and are enjoying your new adopted family! I thought my delays were bad, but nothing in comparison to yours.
I had no idea you and your family didn't get along that well. You're a strong woman. I never once doubted that you wouldn't go and I'm certain you're going to do great things down there!
It seems baking cookies has followed you to Ukraine lol! Be sure to bring back the recipe!
Take Care, and I'll definitely be reading.
P.S I'm still debating as to whether I want to start blogging again *SIGH* but if I do I'll let you know, even if it's just pictures, which btw, I'm sure we'd all love to see if you've taken any yet :)
Raquel took the words right out of my mouth...or the words right from my finger tips? Anyway, you are strong. You are strong because you are somehow able, despite your own feelings, to put EVERYONE else before you. You are strong because you outwardly deny and disprove any thoughts and opinions contrary to what you are truly capable of.
ReplyDeletethat all being said, its ok, AND important to embrace our weaknesses. weakness has been given such a negative association, and even more so (as well as understandably so) in your case. the negative self scripts built within you by people whose job it was to nurture and guide you, and subsequently reinforced BY you, are nothing short of false, and unfortunately you have never truly been allowed the space or time to accept any weakness you most certainly have (for, "strength" means nothing without the contrast of a weakness).
to be completely honest, im not really sure where this all came from, but i believe that it was important for me to share it with you. perhaps this experience, as i believe you've already begun to do so, could be an opportunity to recognize and embrace your weaknesses, WITHOUT the negative attributions that our culture has seemingly SUPER glued to it.
love you!!! and im so excited for you and the wonderful experiences you've already been afforded! have fun with your family there, and continue to soak it all in :D